Letter to Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I have learned a great deal from you and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When, for example, someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.  End of debate.  I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other laws and how best to follow them.

When I burn a bull at the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9).  The problem is my neighbors -- they claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?

I know that I am not allowed contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual "impurity" (Lev. 15:19-24).  The problem is, how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Another friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree.  Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing two different kinds of thread (usually cotton/polyester blends).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)?  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people that sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help me clear up my thinking on these matters.  Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.

Your Beholden Fan....