Mar. 14 -- "Relating to You"
Reading and study – Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg, pp. 67-128.
Last week we looked at the first three of the four components of compassionate communication: express our observations without evaluation, be aware of our feelings about that which we are communicating, and identify the needs that give rise to our feelings. These are activities “in the midst of me.” This week we look at how we interact with others in this activity of compassionate communication, first in expressing our needs and second in listening to the needs of others.
Clearly Expressing Our Needs: Do you normally have any reticence in asking for that which enriches your life? Too often we answer, “No, of course not” when, in fact, our expression of needs are, at best, indirect and vague. Consider a typical interaction with one of your “frequent communicators” in which you would ask for an errand to be run or other favor to be done for you. Do those requests typically include clear, concise, positive action language? Are those requests relying upon underlying assumptions about the other person’s behavior, understanding or needs? Having clearly answered this question for yourself, what answers do you think the other person would give? Ask him/her these questions to see if the two of you agree.
Asking for a Reflection of Our Request: Most people will not normally ask the one of whom they have made a request to reflect back what was heard. Why do you think that is? What is your reaction to another asking you to reflect what was asked of you? What are the advantages and avoided disadvantages of reflecting a stated request? Open-ended, authentic, reflection questions, where you accept responsibility for any possible miscommunication, are usually most effective. To stimulate using compassionate communication, develop comfortable ways of practicing this new way of expression. Create five different reflection questions that have unique structures that you can use in your conversations. Two examples of uniquely structured questions: 1) “So that I may be certain that I have expressed myself clearly, could you put my request into your own words?” 2) “It is my desire that we fully understand each other; would you tell me what you thought I said.” Write these down and be prepared to discuss how another might react to each question and how each question might be improved so that such reaction is minimized.
Receiving Empathically: How can you tell if you have listened empathically? In at least two conversations before the Study Group meeting, practice listening empathically. Make note of the experiences. How did you feel when you were listening? How effectively did the other express his/her observations, feelings and needs? Was the other person successful in fully expressing his/her request to you? Did you think you fully understood her/his perspective? How could you have been more effective in your listening? Be prepared to discuss.
Being Blessed by Each Conversation: We can achieve a proficiency in conversation such that each interaction is a blessing. But we must take responsibility in each conversation for that to occur. What can we do to ensure that we listen with empathy to each person with whom we interact? Be prepared to discuss.